"ADVENTURES OF FLETCHER QUILL"
San Francisco Chronicle Cartoonist, creator of "Farley"
"Dooms day is near; die all, die merrily"
Shakespeare 1564 - 1616
Justice Fletcher Quill and his mostly demented crew are now
quite comfortable deep in the ancient rotting tissue of the first Super
Max Prison, Alactraz www.alcatraz.com. Militant north American radical
Indian’s have stolen the American President’s Football! (Stainless steel
case that carries all the Nuclear Launch Codes) Broken Arrow leader of
the gang has assembled the Son’s of many famous Chief’s including Grand
Son’s of Cochise, Grey Wolf, Thunder Cloud , Dancing Bear and War Eagle.
The newly minted Brother’s have begun the siege with a 1000% full on San
Francisco welcome party not to be forgot! General Quill has ordered all
his favorite Frisco Characters, drug dealers, hookers, gourmet food....
First night is spent on Broadway the Main Cell Block lit up like a
Christmas tree! The Launch Code Case is being used by the Dali Lama and
General Duke Parker to roll endless hugefied spliffs. One of the three
snipers on board armed with latest 50 caliber sniper rigs comes in
breathless with urgent news for the revelers!
"Boys, we have the first fucking Drone’s overhead right fucking now!
Do we light them up Judge Quill?"
"Please do light this mother fucker my friend! How many have you
"Your boy Black Messiah has an aircraft carrier twenty miles out,
looks like its full of these fucking Drone’s Dude!"
"I’ll get the Boy on the Cell, he is all hyped and full of his half
black ass after the nation fucked up and gave him four more years.....
Fuck the Physical Cliff, now he has another real cliff to worry bout hey
boys? Pass me that fucking Bong Dude! No Bong Cliff thank the lord!!"
"Quill, tell your boy Dali stop Bogarting the Schrooms Dude! Man, the
UnHoly man do like his mind bent don’t he? Dali baby, can you have more
of your killer Hashish dropped onto this bird shit encrusted rock my
"No worries, Duke Parker, you and Radio Zaar Jimmy F. Been hitting
that shit hey Cowboy’s, oh I almost forgot Quill. A Mr. Al Capone or his
illuminated other worldly image is now being seen in the library where
the Birdman used to keep his incarcerated flock. Lets go trip with these
locked up spirits...."
"Jimmy, we can help you set up your Sat Remote radio stuff on the
roof of the Chapel might work best. Jimmy better keep your sidearm
close. We could be stormed and have to shoot it out like the Alamo
"Man, you know Quill I been thinking of that my friend. What do these
boys want exactly for the Codes? Have they told you yet?"
"No, we Pow Wow tonight on that subject meeting at the Chapel. By the
by, have you sampled their Peyote? Kicked my ancient ass son. Time for a
tour of this Bird shit receptacle. We begin here on Broadway where all
the action was and is in the other worlds."
"Quill, your girls the caretakers here tell me Elvis, James Brown and
your old pal Sky Dawg AKA Southern soul master are doing endless loops
of Jail House Rock all over Broadway Man! How the fuck did these Canyon
Yodelers Bitches get this gig running the whole tourist action Dude?"
"Are you joking man, San Francisco home of all the Fruit Cakes on the
fucking Planet! They been running the rock for many years.... When I was
a boy early 1040s-50s, the Rock was a huge taboo. We fished the Bay all
the time. In Salmon/Stripper Season if your boat got to close to
Alcatraz a tower guard would scream, " Come any closer we will shoot to
kill ! "My Dad and his boys knew many Guards who told us tales from the
inside. The Rock loomed like Frankinstiens castle in the fog shrouded
"I remember the escape attempt clearly! Those Boys made it was the
word. The killer ocean currents didn’t get them, their friends and
relatives claim they survived and lived quietly rest of their lives."
"Alcatraz, first real live Super Max! Only the baddest of the bad
ended up here Pal! The elite of the nasty walked these halls partner."
"Hey Drake latest from the outside my main man?"
"First Bitch Management ain’t good your Highness! Italian Goddess
A.K.A. Mother Superior has done you wrong again. Her exact words Sir!, "
Old men like you are like Dresser’s some skanky little Bitch always
going through his drawers, kiss my perfect Italian ass Cowboy!!! next on
your Pussy list is Sugar Tit’s who like Mother Superior has run short of
patience! Her last message most succinct, " What makes you think hot,
cute, extremely fuckable young woman actually want to stand in line for
your tired Jurrazic Unit? " Last but surely not least we have her Royal
Nastiness and your most famous Bitch Sharon Stone who sent this video
with her thoughts. (Video of her and Quill doing wild thing in Back of
his Black Porsche 911 Turbo circa 1995!) She say’s, " I know you miss it
old man, I know you want it old man, so come and get it Judge!"
"Shit! Rains it pours.... Jimmy your lucky to have great family Pal.
Now you see the inside of the Wicked Beast my friend. This siege is just
like my world of way too young woman man. Outcome to be determined?
Sharon hot as ever, The Italian sweetness my weakness, Sugar Tits, just
plain nasty that girl. Lets take the tour Buddy, next stop we check our
Sniper Teams, see if the BM sent anymore of his fucking Drone’s? Jimmy
these 50 Caliber Sniper guns can knock the fuck out of Drones, we don’t
need spies from the Black House! I got to get the newly elected one"
His Most Royal Highness Jerry Garcia Baby!!!!!
Quill. My Boy! My Boy!! Homey this is so fucking radically
cool Dude! These Injun’s are nasty mother fucker’s hey homey? So are
they going to find out how to let a few of those Armageddon people
removing weapons take an island or a country maybe Quill"
"Jerry, you must be playing with Elvis doing his endless Jailhouse
Rock loop over on Broadway? Welcome LSD Master. Tonight I find out their
plans with the Football, I will bring up your idea’s Mission Street
Cowboy. Man, John Lee Hooker checked in last night round midnight as did
John Lennon, fucking Beatle wants a piece of this show. Rocking the
Rock! Hope the Rock can handle this party Jerry? Can you personally
supervise all the drug arrivals we have about happen Buddy? Too many
things to do man. I got those very tasty- nasty- little sluts over at
both the Market Street Cinema www.markitstreetcinema.com And the world
famous Mitchell Brothers Baby www.mitchellbrothers.com on the way out on
the next ferry boats. My main man Super Uber Pimp Supreme Dennis Huff
Bunnyranch is on the way with his main Bitches. We will have more wet
pussy then Justin Beeper Cowboy! Cell Block wall to cellblock wall solid
sweet, tight, wet, willing, young tang Son!"
"Sounds like a typical old school San Francisco Party to me Pally?"
"Old school for sure, the Newly Gentrified Pussy Whipped (NGPW) are
not invited to this doomsday rally Son."
"Man, just saw Bonn Scott’s ghost hanging with Elvis and James Brown,
they are rocking the Casbah buddy! Jimmy Reed and Little Walter were
seen playing Harps this morning in the mess Hall! Looks like a who’s who
of old school long dead Blue’s giants Quill! Lets set up a whole section
of Broadway for our rocking guests dead and alive. Me and Pigpen will be
playing with Janis Joplin this evening. Just heard the Injun’s have an
expert on the way to open and work the Football Man! Here we go, their
going to work the Football!"
"Jerry you and Pigpen stay close by man. We Pow Wow in and couple
hours, you guys gotta be there. I’m out, have to get ready for this
evening insanity! Drake has my little Cat Pal Timba way back in Ireland
on the Horn."
"Timbaaaaa!!!! My Boy!!!!!!!! Missss my perfect boy!!!!"
"Meooooow, Meeeeowwwww, meowwwwww......."
"Man, miss that Cat boys. Miss me Castle and Ireland. Think I miss me
main Bitches as well, especailly the Italian Nun, soooo sweeeet she is,
"General Parker and the Dali Lama request your esteemed presence Sir.
They are shooting the shit as it were with a Mr. Scarface or is it Mr.
Al Capone? Can’t keep the dead players straight from the live Cats
BROADWAY STREET OF LIGHTS BABY!!!!!
"Man oh man, is that you Al? Dude you look great for guy who died in
the ugly ass last throws of nasty ass Syphilis Buddy! Soo Al you and the
Birdman and all your rock Brother’s got to love the cadre’ of hugely
famous dead blues giants I brought to this little show?"
"Supreme Court Justice, San Francisco legendary Bad Boy, his lowness
is at the heart of this deal, should have known it was you Quill. Knew
your Grandfather well and your uncles, they all bought my booze and
played with my A Class Bitches.....These last many years the Canyon
Yodelers’s have been running the Rock Tour’s. Little Bitches took all
the fun out of the place! Too neat and organized for my gangster blood
"Mr, fucking crime Boss #1 this is sooo cool. Listen Al we have every
known bad thang on way Buddy. Now, I’m down with any of your more
notorious Brother’s joining in the fun here. But, dig this, it’s a
American Indian Show all the way. I know my boy Peltier is somehow
pulling strings on this deal. Hope it won’t blow the Pardon I have fat
Tony working right now!"
"I understand the pecking/control order my friend. Great to have the
Rock rocking like this back alive, I did’t get much time on Broadway
with all the fast talkers all night singers and such. Me and my Boy here
the Birdman were solitary residents hey Birdman?"
none of those jive ass Hollywood movies came close to the truth Quill,
maybe Eastwood was close. It was tough doing time here and staring out
at all those pretty bright lights every nite. Wondering the eternal
locked up question baby?, " What if I didn’t make that fucking left turn
"General Quill is it true when you were a kid circa mid 60s you
worked at the only other true Bad ass military Prison? The Marine Brig
"Yeah it is long historical foot note my dead friend. I spent two
years learning the real bad ass trade Marine style Son,
comfuckingprende’ Mr. Crime Boss? Great memories throwing huge hand made
white flies at passing Strippers wonderful adventure for young Jar
Head’s. Alcatraz was always the best place to find schooling Salmon and
big gangs of Strippers. Always had complete surf/fly outfits set up and
waiting in the trunks of all my Hot Rods. San Francisco Bay was a sports
fishing Mecca circa 30s, 40s, 50s... Those black dressed Alcatraz Tower
Guards looming made fishing extra cool for local sports fans."
"Quill, maybe you ought to consider a slower safer life style old
man, you been messin with dangerous shit all your life. Fly rods,
rivers, cats, the easy soft meditating existence ring any Bell’s in that
drug splattered rabbit Hole you deem Wolf reality Cowboy? Then you get
maybe another 10, 15 more years Pilgrim! Thank bout that Skate Boarder."
"Don’t hold your dead breath Mr. Excess LSD inhaler."
(Dooms Day just a shot away? Back to wide open Buffalo roaming wild
ass Open lands?")
Read about Fletcher Quill in earlier chapters:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
14 15 16 17 18 19 20
23 24 25 26 27
Written by Dan Fallon © 2013
Illustrations by Phil Frank © 2003
Photos by Dan Fallon © 2013
Fallon's earlier and later columns;
table of contents