|Column nr. 5 2010|
Trout Season Opening Day 2050
It is a sad new world this morning as I wait patiently to see if my number has been drawn for the California One Day Trout Season License Drawing (CODTSLD) held in the state capital Sacramento. Because of an exploding population and many years of extreme drought conditions water has all but disappeared from lakes and rivers, virtually no known streams or creeks still exist. Those few wealthy fly fishers who can afford the twenty thousand dollars needed if your number is chosen wait dreaming about the good old days when streams, lakes, rivers could be fished for free and fishing licenses were peanuts to buy...
This morning I got lucky and was chosen as one of the two thousand who will be allowed under strict supervision to throw flies on state operated waters where one is allowed to spend only two hours in the morning and two hours before sundown. All action is filmed by state Water Marshals who used to be called game wardens! I can hear my answering machine buzzing with heart broken messsages from fly fisher friends who have been trying for ten years to grab a lucky lottery tickit and failed. California now has armed patrols, Water Marshals patrolling and shooting on sight anyone caught trying to fill bottles with the new shimmering gold, water.
Nostalgia Fly Fishing Gatherings
Now in 2050 it is common and rather disturbing to attend social affairs where beer and scotch swilling old men show their slides from the grand free days when outdoors men could travel at will and fly fish where they pleased. Last big nostalgia fly show here in San Francisco was at the historic Cow Palace where rodeos ruled for generations. Hundreds of old men crying and looking for group counseling because expensive fly fishing gear sits in closets getting dusty. Private boats have been confiscated and private land owners are also visited by Water Marshals. The federal and state water management board is now occupied by wealthy connected who lord over the little water left. Streams and rivers are no longer stocked with trout, salmon. Long ago hatcheries were closed in favor of highly controlled catch & release of what few trout, salmon still exist.
The state Water Marshal’s (All three of them!) showed up at my house promptly at 4am as arranged. They checked and revarified my winning lottery ticket and then spent twenty minutes rifling through my expensive fly gear. When asked what they were looking for," Mostly hidden digital camera’s and that kind of thing, illicit fly gear like flies that have not been approved by official’s as constructed from only state approved and harvested feathers". I was taken to the airport and flown to a mountain lake called New Malones Dam. It used to be many square miles of prime bass and trout fly fishing opportunities. It is now nothing but a handful of large pools which will evaporate in another few years and this once grand vast blue water home to endless birds and countless fish will no longer exist like almost all of California’s once great water wealth. My first two hours of filmed and closely observed fly fishing was a bust, no hits never saw anything resembling a fish. Later that evening I did see a trout jump off in the distance, had I had a camera like the sweet old days it would have been a mediocre shot at best. During the flight back to San Francisco the Water Marshal’s were kind enough to show me several photos of lottery winners who had caught and released trout. Maybe next year.
"ADVENTURES OF FLETCHER QUILL"
"It is sufficiently agreed that all things change; And that nothing disappears, but that the sum of Matter remains exactly the same." Cogitatones de Natura Rerum
Justice Quill and his life long best friend fellow rapidly aging (mid 60s!) Marine General’s have been flying at 1000 feet over the northern Ireland coastline rugged rocky, cliff’s strewn with white washed ocean waves crashing and sea birds screaming and diving on the abundant bait fish. Three hours spent in General Duke Parker’s new black jet helicopter after chasing huge Blue Finn Tuna near France. The failed assassination attempt on Russia’s latest wanna-be Pricktator was quickly understood it was the flymaster, one time Secretary of the Interior, Supreme Court Justice, uber secret assassin capable of morphing into anything with the help of Dagda leader of ancient Celtic Druids and one of Fletcher’s guiding stars. General Quill and Duke Parker friends from the early 1960s when as teenage Marines they played many games in Vietnam. They both love two things and two things only Big Tit Blond Pussy (BTP ) and chasing fish or bad guys. No families, no brats, nothing ever gets in the way of these two objectives period. The northern Irish coast basking in morning bright lights reveals the outline of Quill’s beloved home Raven’s Haven, his castle, his sanctuary......
"Duke my old friend love seeing that castle profile coming up, take her down easy on the roof Helo pad. Maybe we can sneak up on Nurse Caron and Sharon Stone having a peaceful breakfast with my cat Timba, yeah do miss Timba. Unlike the two diva bitches he never breaks me balls Dukey!!"
"Nice life you carved out here Cowboy. Young tang, peace and quiet and your cat. What are we going to find here Jarhead? Looks pretty quiet, guess the Dali Lama and his boys are gone."
General Parker’s new toy silently drops without any noise on Raven’s Haven custom Helo Pad just off the fly tying tower which is the first place Quill wants to occupy...
"Nice to be home Dukey, smell that salty Irish sea air me boy? Hell I just looked out of my fly tower bay window and behold by the jetty rocks a home coming dance being performed by a group of Irish Orkneys or fairies. Revelry dancing in circles and writing a message for me in the sand it appears? Now look Duke its Tangie the seaweed covered water spirit who often appears as a small horse! He is holding up a sign, give me those high powered binoc’s Pilgrim, this I gotta read?"
"Christ, it says, "Your hot little 36 double D nursey poo has left to pitch in with the recent Chili earth quake victim’s’s. You are out of luck Cowboy!"
VOICE OF TIGER WOODS DECEASED DADDY
"Lets talk about Tang son, remember when me and Tiger would hit ten buckets of balls and discuss what a man has to undastand to succeed and fully get his Johnson in every possible hole! No matter how thick the rough! Now your losing another very hot young thang and I hope you ain’t text messaging are ya son? Dam Nike stooped so fucking low as to use a mans dead Daddy to move sneakers, ain’t that a bitch! So the boy got a alittle careless and let his taste buds for skanks rule the tool, fool in the pool. Now we got Jessi James (Vanilla Gorilla) hanging in sex rehab with Charlie Sheen. Bullshit, ain’t no bunch of white honkey over educated gonna make any man turn his back on endless free pussy! The lord given "Pussy Buffet" cannot be denied. These fool boys think they are dry cleaning their images, horse manure son. Gotta to catch the ethereal golf cart Justice Quill, have three more commercials to witness while what’s left of my mortal soul twists like Conan O’ Brian’s late night history. Imagine using a dead mans Daddy’s voice to move mother fucking sneakers!"
"Dam, Quill your castle is so fucking haunted man. Least Tiger’s Daddy is funny, he is funny."
"So I lost my hot personal nurse, that really sucks Dukey, gonna miss those 36 D’s Sportsfan. Bring my silver bong over here and let us partake of this Graftganistany Hashish Cowboy. Look at this stuff, smells authentic hey Dukester. Remember those killer Thai Sticks I used to get when we were kid Recon boys in Vietnam? That shit was the shit. Soo lets see what flies can I tie for the deep Yosemite fly adventure planned for the Black Massiah. Maybe twenty Mosquitoes, red tail nymphs, wolly buggers and what else. Where is that cat of mine, and the still reighning lady of the castle?"
ENTER LADY SHARON!!
"I see your stroking that insipid spoiled feline domesticus (Timba) before you went looking for your blond movie goddess hey Mr. Supreme Courtness.. I heard the Fairies screaming and laughing over the departure of your big titty nurse El Generalismo fuck! Too bad no more vital signs taking, oh well. Your phone list is huge, Black Messiah calls every morning looking for you, or he likes talking to me? Dali Lama wants moment as does your new Supreme Court Clerk what’s his name? I’m here for dinner this evening and then off to Spain for another jive B movie with Jennifer Annistan and some frog actor Gearde something or other. See you boys at dinner, nice to have what is left of you back in your castle Quilly."
"You look scrumptious my movie queen, would you ask cook to prepare my special Verter Water concoction made with water collected from tombstones. Maybe have him work up some my Cock Ale which is ten gallons of my finest aged ale fermented with a complete fighting cock bones and all. I need these high octane potions because the next full May 2010 moon will be especially powerful for spell work. Think I might use what is left of my Dragon Blood and Moon juice as well."
"Better call the Dali lama soon he called again your man Drake just left a note Quilly Willy."
BLACK MASSIAH HOT LINE
"Justice Quill, you are hard to find old man! Much to discuss starting with your boy Stevy Stevens blowing out of your court before you even get started Pilgrim! You know I have no choice but nominate one of the vanilla ice cream liberal bitches, can’t be any other way. Court begins next session in October, hey did you and Duke get into those big ass Blue Finn Tuna? Man, we saw the ancient Rooski Migs straffe your dingy. Fucking assbite Putin he somehow knew about your morphing into the killer raptor? Maybe we have double agents like your Nurse Caron, did she leave quickly after you took the Pricktators ear?"
"Yep, no more 36 Ds, hate that part! Putin knows we are after his ass. I have other plans more otherwordly in nature. My little faire friends can be deadly and devious like all the self possessed vain narcissitic blond bitches I attract. Please don’t let the Marine’s give me anymore metal to hang on this Irish fool. By the by can you send me another three pounds of that insane for the membrane Graftganistany Hashish, can’t put the pipe down Sir.
"No problem, tell your buddy Snoop Doggy another pound is on the way Dudes, Just left the Rose Garden after two big fatties with Joey B. Hellery is due in with news of the fucking rag heads stealing and dealing American funds as usual. You know Bubba been filling his Harlem office with more Tang then Tiger before he text his dumb ass into the news, Man, these 2010 Brothers are so fucking lame getting caught by smart phones or e-mail is plain dumb!"
"Yeah, I noticed modern brothers, even athletes ain’t too bright these days. Not enough book reading I guess. Gotta Bounce Dali Lama is screaming for chin music time right now! I have set up a deep into Yosemite National Park fly fishing adventure for you and I Sir. Details on the way, we leave when your able to split for four days, let me know soon."
DALI LAMA CHIN MUSIC
"Fletcher we must converse crazy flymaster, the proverbial excrement has hit thy fan! My spies in Beijing have just E-mailed me photos of the Chinese leaders at a secret banquet celebrating a successful 200 megaton nuclear bomb test conducted just under the mountains in the Tibetan plateau. They triggered the earthquakes, they have resorted to geological plutonic plate displacement triggered by huge nuclear underground testing! Before I forget flymaster the quakes have revealed a series of ancient caves from the 1st and 2nd Century. My Monks in the region have saved pounds of feathers inlaid on disintegrated religious vestments just for you, a treasure my friend of feathers never seen before!"
"Dali Baby, this nuclear testing is no surprise, no wonder you want to be the last Dali Lama. How can anyone expect the next chosen by Chinese to live persecuted like you have lived in exile Sir."
"It gets worse Fletcher more tests are planned and the world will never know this geological genocide taken place." "When can you send me those ancient vestment feathers DL Baby! You know how excited I get when extinct feathers are mentioned my old friend! By the way are you getting ready for the Tenth Annual Tibet Kite Festival? And how are those young Monks I reindoctrinated all those years ago?"
"I will either bring them to you or you could bring the Black Messiah to my exile monastery? My boy Monks still talk about the Jesus Juice you spiked and all the surreal little fairies that follow you"
Justice Quill locks the main double door’s of his castle fly tower and opens the dark wood chest that holds his priceless collection of reconstituted magic potions, Dragon’s Blood, special ointments such as his precious stash of Faire, Good People, Gentry human temporary seeing salve. This glowing dark green salve when rubbed into human eyes during waxing full moons will allow one to witness the world of invisible fairies and all their tricks of the trade. Quill was given the salve by the tiny leader of the northern Ireland magic mushroom circles and mounds that can be found all over northern Ireland. The Irish believe fairies are fallen angels guilty of much lesser crimes. Their fate Judgement Day not clear! Quill has been adopted by many clans of fairies that regularly come and go at Raven’s Haven. Quill remembers his old friend 666 Master Abbott of the San Francisco California Golden Gate Park underground fairy complex and decides to give the crafty nasty other world titan a shout out. Justice Quill then removes his ten pound crystal ball and he and General Duke Parker rub a small amount of Faire salve into their eyes.
"Fletcher Frigging Quill, Frisco’s long lost Dark Prince.... My, my that Shape -Shifting ancient bird deal you and my main God Dagda threw together was sooo sweeet!!! You took a large chunk of that Rooski jerk off’s ear, excellent surreal work indeed! Listen I’ll give you a quick what’s up here in the worlds largest human game refuge, where all the freaks have equal rights and local native madmen like you roam the world keeping company with creatures like me. Ok, Our illustrious boy mayor (banged his best friends wife! Chickened out of one political race because of no support at all!) has been pushing for get this flyman, no sitting or sleeping on sidewalks! Yeah baby San Fran last home of street people freedom a flickering light in the fabled Haight Ashbury hood is about to be extinguished. Can hear your boy’s Jerry Garcia and Pigpin throwing up."
"I know the boy mayor without morals is bad mojo for classic San Francisco. Reason I looked you up and by the way, you do look fabulous for a spirit ten thousand years old. I may take our equally hayseedish Black Messiah back home to San Fran before we head for deep north end Yosemite on our four day fly fishing adventure. So tell me how safe and cool are things in la la land right now?"
"Still trying to bite down on your Supreme Court confirmation, man that exploding vajj was awesome Dude and the Legless Mayan Beggar, pure joy to behold flymaster. Bring the Messiah on in we will take special care of him no worries. Just took a peak at several of your X Blonds all up to no good just because they could, sounds like you have another call coming in Mr. Supream Court?"
"Quilly do you miss your 36D’s sweety, I know you do. Lisen I’m only going to be here for a month and then back to taking your vital signs. I really miss and adore you!"
"You know you own this ancient heart of mine, come back to me and drive me crazy, please..."
(Black Massiah Does Frisco? Yosemite Park Fly Adventure?)
Read about Fletcher Quill in earlier chapters:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Written by Dan Fallon © 2010
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